A
Guidance
Guide
for
Early
Childhood
Leaders
Strengthening
Relationships
with Children,
Families, and
Colleagues
GuidanceLeadershipforECLeaders.FullCvr-f.indd 1 5/11/20 12:18 PM
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
A Guidance Guide for Early Childhood Leaders
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
Other Books by Dan Gartrell
A Guidance Approach for the Encouraging Classroom
e Power of Guidance: Teaching Social-Emotional Skills in Early Childhood
Classrooms
Education for a Civil Society: How Guidance Teaches Young Children Democratic
Life Skills
Guidance for Every Child: Teaching Children How to Manage Conict
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
A
Guidance
Guide
for
Early
Childhood
Leaders
D
an Gartrell
,
EdD
Strengthening
Relationships with
Children, Families,
and Colleagues
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
Published by Redleaf Press
10 Yorkton Court
St. Paul, MN 55117
www.redleafpress.org
© 2020 by Dan Gartrell
All rights reserved. Unless otherwise noted on a specic page, no portion of this publication may
be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including
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permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a
critical article or review to be printed in a magazine or newspaper, or electronically transmitted
on radio, television, or the internet.
First edition 2020
Cover design by Renee Hammes
Cover illustration by AdobeStock/izumikobayashi
Interior design by Douglas Schmitz
Typeset in Utopia and Gora
Printed in the United States of America
27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Gartrell, Daniel author.
Title: A guidance guide for early childhood leaders : strengthening
relationships with children, families, and colleagues / Dan Gartrell.
Description: First edition. | St. Paul, MN : Redleaf Press, 2020. |
Includes bibliographical references and index. | Summary: “In this
follow-up to Guidance for Every Child, author Dan Gartrell expands on
the advice broached in that book-that child need guidance rather than
discipline. Dan gives examples of how children’s mistaken behavior (not
misbehavior) can play out in the classroom and provides strategies on
how teachers can help”— Provided by publisher.
Identiers: LCCN 2020005440 (print) | LCCN 2020005441 (ebook) | ISBN
9781605546889 (paperback) | ISBN 9781605546896 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: School discipline--United States. | Conict
management--Study and teaching (Early childhood)--United States. |
Interpersonal relations in children--United States. | Teacher-student
relationships--United States. | Parent-teacher relationships--United
States. | Early childhood teachers--Professional relationships--United
States.
Classication: LCC LB3012.2 .G373 2020 (print) | LCC LB3012.2 (ebook) |
DDC 372.21--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020005440
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020005441
Printed on acid-free paper
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
To my wife, Professor Julie Jochum.
ank you, Dr. J, for your helpful input and endless support.
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Contents
A Readable Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1
Chapter 1. Guidance: What It Is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Chapter 2. The Theory Chapter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17
Chapter 3. Guidance Communication. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29
Chapter 4. Guidance with Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45
Chapter 5. Readiness: Not a State of Knowledge but a State of Mind . . . . . . .63
Chapter 6. Guidance Leadership with Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75
Chapter 7. Guidance Leadership with Staff and Outside Professionals . . . . . .93
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
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1
A Readable Introduction
G --, to the point, and semi-interest-
ing. ey provide information in a concise way but neglect, as is often done in our
world, an essential understanding about learning. Every act of learning, by each
of us every moment of our lives, has not just a thinking dimension but also a feel-
ing dimension. Unless the learning act is understandable and also feels right, it
will have limited long-term benets for us. In 1969 psychologist and theorist Carl
Rogers called positive learning that stays with us signicant learning. Signicant
learning is at the heart of developmentally appropriate practice. And to encourage
signicant learning is why we use guidance.
For many years, early childhood (EC) teachers, supervisors, and trainers
have encouraged me to write a book such as this. Over my fty-year career, I have
worked closely with these leaders in many settings.
Regarding “a big bunch” of matters, I have lis-
tened, discussed, counseled, civilly disagreed,
and supported them—always appreciating the
importance of their roles and understanding
how hard they work.
is guidebook is meant for people in lead-
ership roles in EC programs, ranging from direc-
tors and principals, to classroom managers and
lead teachers, to trainers and coaches, to expe-
rienced EC teachers, caregivers, home visitors,
and family child care providers. roughout the
book, I refer to you as leaders (and for variety
“professionals” and sometimes “teachers”—in
the general sense) because leaders are what you
are. Every day you are touching the lives of the chil
-
dren, coworkers, and families you work with. My task in writing this guidebook is
to encourage you toward further engaging in signicant learning about guidance.
Who is a teacher? I like the prag-
matic denition that children give:
anyone in the setting who is bigger
than they are. In my book—oh yeah
this is my book—a teacher is an
EC leader who works in a profes-
sional capacity with children, staff,
and/or families in the program. In
other words, administrators are
teachers too. “Teacher” is meant in
this general sense.
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A Readable Introduction
Leaders who use guidance do what very good teachers have always done, teach
for meaningful emotional learning that works with, and not against, cognitive
learning. If you think about it, guidance leadership pertains no less to working with
sta, family members, and coworkers—as chapters 6 and 7 emphasize. is book
is about using guidance in an inclusive manner with the dierent populations EC
leaders work with.
Occasional humor is sprinkled throughout this book, ranging in quality from
fairy dust to troll droppings, to keep things light-ish. Each chapter oers “balloons”
to highlight key ideas. Concluding each chapter is a wrap-up section, a single take-
away question that encourages readers to apply ideas
from the book to their actual situations, and ref-
erence notes.
At various times throughout my career, I
have been a Head Start teacher, college child
development associate trainer, director of a
training program for nondegreed EC profes
-
sionals, supervisor of pre-K and kindergarten
student teachers, family child care coach, pro-
fessor of EC education, and now emeritus pro-
fessor of education. I have written many times
on the subject of “moving beyond discipline to
guidance” and still enjoy writing and speaking
on this topic—so long as I can take a nap now
and then! :-})
Over the years, my “output” has included
the column Guidance Matters in the National
Association for the Education of Young Chil
-
dren’s journal Young Children an
d many arti-
cles in EC journals and magazines. I have also
written a textbook, A Guidance Approach for the
Encouraging Classroom, now in its sixth edition,
and four other books, two published by Redleaf Press.
is guidebook has connections to my earlier works and especially to Guidance
for Every Child: Teaching Young Children to Manage Conict (2017), also published
by Redleaf Press. Where an idea in the guidebook connects with a more thorough
treatment elsewhere, reference is made to the source and a link is given, often to
resources on my website, www.dangartrell.net. But for all that, I have written this
This book uses abbreviations selec-
tively and usually for quite familiar
EC terms. Some key terms and their
abbreviations are early childhood
(EC); prekindergarten (pre-K);
kindergarten (K); developmentally
appropriate practice (DAP); and
National Association for the Educa-
tion of Young Children (NAEYC). To
me, all child care is educational for
children and needs to result in sig-
nicant learning every day. So the
term in the book for early childhood
education is ECE rather than ECCE
(early childhood care and educa-
tion). A few other abbreviations for
guidance terms I often use appear
in some chapters of the book.
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A Readable Introduction
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3
book to be used on its own. After all these years
of writing about guidance, hopefully I have
nally gotten it right. :-})
Since 1970 I have done more than three
hundred trainings and presentations in most
states, Germany, and Mexico. I have always
tried to use some of the same guidance commu-
nication practices in my sessions that are dis-
cussed in chapter 3, a key chapter in the book.
Friendly humor and receptiveness to the input
of others are two. Readers who have attended any
of my trainings or presentations might enjoy coming
across some of the same one-liners and stories in this guidebook as they did prior.
(Notice I said “might”—some of these “sharings” are on the order of old troll stools.)
Thanks to the People Who Helped
ree long-time colleagues deserve my thanks: Leah Pigatti, June Reineke, and
Dacia Dauner. Leah, Dacia, and June began as teachers in EC classrooms and over
time became directors of their programs. Two of them were my students, and two
have completed doctorates. e three together have more than eighty years of EC
leadership experience and yet are all much younger than me!
In addition, Bryan G. Nelson, founding director of MenTeach, gave me helpful
feedback in chapter 7 in the section on male EC teachers. ese four professionals,
with Professor Leah Pigatti in the lead, carefully read and gave useful feedback
during this project. Over the years, Leah has been a steadfast reviewer of my man-
uscripts, and for this great gift, I tip my toupee! e readers made the work better.
Finally, thanks go to the entire editorial and production sta at Redleaf Press.
It’s nice to have a nationwide, nonprot publisher right in the neighborhood in
St. Paul. I give special thanks to editors David Heath, Douglas Schmitz, Chris-
tine Florie, and senior editor Melissa York for their patience and professional
competence.
Reference Notes
Rogers, Carl. 1969. Freedom to Learn. London: Pearson.
Most of the references in this
guidebook are to my other pub-
lished works. This is not the case
in the other works, but I see this
guidebook as a culmination of my
guidance authorship and so refer
readers to my earlier writings on
various topics. My apologies if the
self-referencing becomes tedious.
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5
= CHAPTER 1 <
Guidance: What It Is
B to children when they “misbehave,” conven-
tional discipline carries the heavy baggage of punishment. We intuitively know
the importance of not punishing young children. If we think about it, the children
we work with are only months old. A two-year-old has less than thirty-six months
of on-the-ground experience. A three-year-old only has thirty-six to forty-seven. A
big, honking just-ve-year-old has only sixty months, one-eighteenth of the pro-
jected life span of many young children today.
Young children are just beginning the complex emotional-social learning pro-
cess that continues throughout their lives. How complex? Many of us know folks
in their seventies who have a hard time expressing strong emotions in nonhurting
ways. Young children are just beginning this vital lifelong learning that even senior
adults have not always mastered! Being only months old, young children are going
to make mistakes in their behavior, sometimes spectacularly, as all beginners do.
Learning from Mistakes
Guidance is teaching for healthy emotional and social development. On a day-
to-day basis as conicts occur, leaders who use guidance teach children to learn
from their mistakes rather than punish them for the mistakes they make. Teachers
help children learn to solve their problems rather than punish children for having
problems they cannot solve. In the guidance approach, leaders rst assist children
to gain their emotional health in order to be socially responsive and then support
their social skills that are needed to build relationships and solve problems coop-
eratively. For this reason, in a change from my earliest works, I make a practice of
referring to “emotional-social” development and not the other way ’round.
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Chapter 1
Even though it rejects punishment, guidance is authoritative (“possessing rec-
ognized or evident authority; clearly accurate or knowledegable” [Merriam-Webster
2020]). No one is to be harmed in the early childhood learning community—child or
adult. But in the guidance approach, the professional is rm and friendly—not rm
and harsh. ere are consequences for when a young child causes a serious conict.
But the consequences are for the adult as well as the child. e adult needs to work
on the relationship with the child and use communication practices that calm and
teach, not punish. e consequence for the child is to learn another way.
Using conventional discipline, a teacher puts fty-four-month-old Marcus on a
time-out chair for taking a trike from Darian, a younger child. (Darian objected
loudly and was forced off.) In the time-out, Marcus is not thinking, “I am going
to be a better child because the teacher has temporarily expelled me from
the group. Next time I will not take things from others. I will patiently wait my
turn—and am not thinking at all about getting back at Darian!” Really, Marcus
feels embarrassed, even humiliated, upset, and angry—far from the emotional
set needed to gure out what happened and what would be a better response
in the future. (Thought: Isn’t the adult here contributing to a bully-victim
dynamic?)
Whatever the noble linguistic roots of the term discipline, to discipline a child has
come to mean “to punish.” Again, punishment makes it harder for children to learn
the very emotional-social capacities we want them to learn, such as waiting for a
turn on the trike or using the trike together.
In contrast a leader who uses guidance intervenes without causing embarrass-
ment; helps one or both children calm down; talks with the two about what hap-
pened; guides them toward another way to handle a similar conict in the future;
and facilitates (not forces) reconciliation. In the process, the leader conveys to the
children that they are both worthy members of the group, they can learn a new
way, and they can get along (avoiding a bully-victim dynamic).
e leader makes the time for this mediation because by modeling as well as
teaching friendliness during conict, the whole group is learning. Firm, friendly,
and intelligent teaching is what I mean by moving past discipline to guidance—
proactively teaching children that they are worthy individuals, belong in the group,
and can learn to manage their strong emotions.
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Guidance: What It Is
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7
Reframing the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline
In moving to guidance, the EC leader does well to look at three concepts associated
with conventional discipline. e following table illustrates the reframing of disci-
pline thinking to guidance thinking. Discussion of each idea shift follows.
1. From “Challenging” Children to “Challenged” Children
A beautiful benet of brain research that has been conducted over the last thirty
years is that it is helping us understand the behavior of young children like never
before. Years ago if a child caused frequent and extreme conicts, the conventional
wisdom was that this was a “bad kid,” or at least a “challenging child with a bad
home life.” ose who believed in the positive potential of all children didn’t have
a lot more than general long-term studies to back their guidance eorts. Now, with
the ndings of neuroscience, there is more.
e matter comes down not to the character of the child—and whether the child
is labeled “challenging”—but to the amount of stress the child is living with. At the
time of birth, the brain’s defense system, mediated by the amygdala, is already func-
tioning. Generating emotional reactions to incoming perceptions, the amygdala is
a key part of the limbic system, located within the temporal lobes in the lower area
of the brain. If the amygdala senses a threat, it orders up stress-related hormones
that slosh around in the brain (hypo-scientic term here), causing the individual to
show survival behaviors for self-protection.
Human survival behaviors are well known—ghting (aggression), freezing,
or eeing. In this connection, babies who cry out of discomfort are showing the
survival behavior of aggression. No matter what the circumstances, the persons
From “Discipline Thinking” to “Guidance Thinking”
FROM TO
1. Challenging children Challenged children
2. Being patient Being understanding
3. Misbehavior Conicts and mistaken behavior
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Chapter 1
present, or the time, babies are going to let the world know when they feel the stress
of discomfort. And so it should be for their survival. In the context of the EC learn-
ing community, however, survival behaviors are often counterproductive. ey
are mistaken eorts at self-survival that other members of the community nd
challenging.
By around age three in the frontal lobes of the cortex in the upper brain, the
child’s conscious thinking and response systems have begun to develop. “Execu-
tive function” is the term for the mechanism that mediates intentional thinking
and doing. Executive function integrates the processes of recall, idea formation,
task persistence, and problem-solving.
In the young child, developing language and social awareness play a crucial
role in the processes mediated by executive function. is understanding provides
a useful explanation for why preschoolers bite less frequently than toddlers. ree-
year-olds are gaining language skills and social awareness that toddlers have not
yet developed. For me, two notes about executive function are essential (the rst is
political; skip to second note if you’d like):
1. Executive function begins to develop at around age three, but it does not
reach full and mature operation until individuals are in their twenties.
ink of the dierences in the behaviors of teenagers and twentysomethings
to nail down this understanding. In my view, this is why teens should not be
able to purchase guns until they are twenty-one—the current legal age for
alcohol and tobacco.
2. In young children’s brains, the amygdala system is more fully formed than
the executive function system. If unmanageable stress enters a child’s life,
amygdala functions override beginning executive functions. Being totally
dependent on others for security, young children are particularly vulnerable
to strong amygdala reactions and survival behaviors. Toxic (unmanageable)
stress can result from a single adverse event or a series of events in a young
child’s life that the child perceives as threatening. Insecure relationships
with primary family members are a widespread cause of this plaguing stress
in young children, though not the only cause (see Gartrell, 2017).
Brain research has put a new focus on the role of stress in people’s lives. e
term toxic stress has come to explain stress that is beyond the individual’s ability
to manage. For me, however, this term can set o an either/or shortcut reaction
in others. Either you have toxic stress or you don’t. Unmanageable stress seems
more nuanced, and I often use this term instead of toxic stress. Unmanageable
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Guidance: What It Is
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9
stress refers to a level of stress that impedes healthy problem-solving and creative
behavior.
Unmanageable stress begins where “healthy stress” ends. Healthy stress in
young children, what I like to call “intrigue,” is when amygdala and executive func-
tions are integrated in activity around problem-solving and the resolution of cogni-
tive dissonance (things that don’t appear to t together). For example, a child who
relishes putting together a new puzzle is showing healthy stress. A child who doesn’t
solve the new puzzle but stacks the pieces in the middle of the board and says, “is
is a castle in a lake,” is also showing healthy stress—unless this child is told, “You
are not doing it right.” A child who can’t do the puzzle and sweeps the pieces on the
oor is experiencing unmanageable stress—likely not just in that moment.
Unmanageable stress felt at dierent levels results in survival behaviors shown
to dierent degrees. Outside of the early childhood community, survival behaviors
might help children in traumatic situations. Within the community, leaders who
use guidance recognize that children who display especially the survival behavior
of aggression are not “bad” children. ey are showing mistaken survival behav-
iors and are really asking for help. Children show challenging survival behavior in
encouraging EC communities because it is a safe place in their lives. ey know
they won’t be punished for acting out with survival behaviors, even if the behaviors
are mistaken.
Understanding the link between unmanageable stress and serious conicts is
important. As children become older, if they are not helped to manage toxic stress,
the amygdala system becomes overdeveloped at the expense of underdevelop-
ment of executive function. ink long-term learning diculties here and chronic
oversensitivity to everyday events that seem threatening. Leaders work hard with
young children to build relationships that make stress manageable while brains and
personalities are still “plastic” (pliant and rapidly forming). Professionals leverage
their eorts at guidance leadership by working together with family members and
fellow sta. ey understand that challenging behaviors happen because children
are challenged.
2. Patience or Understanding?
Nancy Weber rst brought this idea to light in 1987. Her “food for thought” article
in Young Children continues to be a topic of interest on the internet.
Weber’s idea is that the importance of patience is overplayed in EC education,
and the importance of understanding is underplayed. People often say to EC pro-
fessionals that they “must be so patient,” when they might not see themselves as
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Chapter 1
patient at all. In making her case, Weber cites a
denition of “patience,” very close to that of a
Microsoft search of “patience denition” today:
“the capacity to withstand frustration, trouble,
or suering without getting angry or upset.”
Weber’s contention is that in Western cul-
ture, “patience” is often accompanied by an
u
nintended passive-aggressive state of mind.
She means that EC professionals, being human, at
some point run out of patience and act out. A leader might “lose it” when any of the
following occurs:
• A child acts out one too many times.
• Children “once again” show restlessness during large group.
• A parent misses a second conference and doesn’t seem to care.
• A sta member repeats an inappropriate practice previously discussed with a
supervisor.
e big switch is this: instead of relying on patience with the danger of its run-
ning out, EC leaders strive to understand. Patience might or might not then be a
response, but holding back after reection is a mindful choice and not a stoic reac-
tion. e basic point of her article is that we are unlikely to run out of understand-
ing. To illustrate, consider that an openness to understanding helps professionals
be proactive so they investigate and perhaps learn one of the following:
• e child who acts out is arriving at Head Start on a middle school bus and
every morning is getting teased.
• Teacher expectations at large-group time are just not developmentally appro-
priate for these children at this time.
• e parent is on her own, has three young children, and works long hours as a
waitress. e family often crashes at Gramma’s.
• e sta person is dealing with a family member at home who has a drug
problem.
Even when the professional’s learning is not this conclusive, the eort to under-
stand tends to change the dynamics of conict situations. e leader is more likely
to remain engaged with people and events and not as likely to feel alienated from
the situation—and lose patience.
With Weber’s permission, “Patience
or Understanding” served as the
rst chapter of my 2004 book,
The Power of Guidance. Out of
respect for Weber’s contribution,
I paraphrase this idea shift in her
terms—she said it so well.
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3. Not Misbehavior, but Conicts and Mistaken Behavior
If the trappings of conventional discipline rattle around in our heads, we tend to
think of the conicts that young children cause as misbehavior. e problem is that
“misbehavior” carries the same moralistic cultural baggage as “discipline.” If we
interpret a conict that a child causes as misbehavior, it is simply too easy to regard
the matter in moralistic terms. Misbehavior is bad behavior, and what kind of kids
show bad behavior? Kids who are bad, rowdy, wild, bullies, or from bad families
(i.e., challenging). It is an easy slide to view children who misbehave as needing to
be disciplined (punished). e misguided practice of “shaming children into being
good” has long been debunked for not working. e punishment then has the eect
of keeping stress high for the child, making emotional and social capabilities even
more dicult to learn.
A widely accepted notion out there is that children act up to get attention, and
that negative attention is better than no attention at all. I contend that young chil-
dren need personal armation, not “attention.” Due to stress and inexperience,
they haven’t learned to ask for armation in socially acceptable ways. Walking
into the room, a child is not likely to say, “Teacher, I need a cuddle and being eased
into things today. My family and I had a rough night.” Instead, they react to their
inexpressible stress by sweeping cups of juice o a tray. Why? Again, their plaguing
stress causes them to act out in the EC community because it is a safe place in their
lives—and they are only months old. e peril of displaying a pattern of mistaken
survival behavior misinterpreted by adults is that it can cause what I call a stress/
act-out syndrome.
Development of a stress/act-out syndrome in early childhood can cause prob-
lems for a person’s entire life. e devastating cycle looks like this: Feeling unman-
ageable stress, young children
• act out in a mistaken eort to gain armation—and feel the adrenaline rush
of the conict;
• are punished—the adrenaline wears o and they feel embarrassed, upset,
and angry;
• internalize negative self-messages, felt intuitively: “I am not a good kid,”
“ey don’t want me here,” “is is not a good place,” “I don’t know what to
do”;
• with stress levels remaining high, and the anticipation of a new adrenaline
rush, repeat the aggressive behavior.
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Chapter 1
Research studies by Ladd and meta-analysis
by Shonko (in Gartrell, 2013, 2017) indicate
that young children who leave early childhood
education with a developed stress/act-out syn-
drome have continuing diculties in school
and life. e studies show that for too many
young people, the syndrome comes to a head
during adolescence and continues into adult
-
hood. e result is a lasting inability to form
t
rust-based relationships and to resolve con-
icts in nonhurting ways.
Instead of “misbehavior,” I teach the con-
cept of conict.
A conict is an expressed dis-
agreement between individuals. From the time
a newborn rst cries from discomfort to when
a senior citizen would rather watch the falling
snow than come to lunch, life is full of conicts.
Conicts are a big part of life. Young children,
new to group situations and unused to dealing
with adults who are not family members, are
going to have lots of stress and therefore conicts.
EC leaders who view even spectacular disagreements
as conicts that can be resolved are in a philosophically strong position to help
children engage in signicant emotional and social learning.
Along with conict, another term useful in guidance practice is “mistaken
behavior.” I rst wrote about mistaken behavior in that same issue of Young Chil-
dren that Nancy Weber’s article appeared in. In considering likely motivations for
children’s conicts, I proposed three levels of mistaken behavior, still applicable
today:
1. Experimentation-level mistaken behavior: e “experiment” might be
uncontrolled—a child comes to the building table, wants some parts, and
takes them without asking from another child who has “lots.” Or the exper-
iment might be “controlled” (but goes wrong)—a child walks up to an EC
professional and says with a smile, “Shit, teacher.”
2. Socially inuenced mistaken behavior: a child is inuenced by important
others to engage in a mistaken behavior. A sad example with an individual
child: A child sees an adult give Jordan a time-out. Later, the child says to
The Centers for Disease Con-
trol and Prevention has done a
great service by amplifying the
concept of toxic stress through the
construct of Adverse Childhood
Experiences (ACEs). This is a term
many readers are familiar with and
about which the CDC says this:
“Adverse Childhood Experiences
(ACEs) have a tremendous impact
on future violence victimization and
perpetration, and lifelong health
and opportunity. Working together,
we can help create neighborhoods,
communities, and a world in which
every child can thrive” (www
.cdc.gov/violenceprevention
/childabuseandneglect/acestudy
/index.html).
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Guidance: What It Is
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Jordan, “Teacher doesn’t like you, Jordan.” Socially inuenced mistaken
behavior also might be the “catchy” kind that happens in groups. A child
calls another child a “butthead.” e word quickly becomes part of the
group’s vocabulary. (Time for a large-group meeting here. See chapter 4.)
3. Strong unmet-needs mistaken behavior: level 3 is the most serious mis-
taken behavior. Anyone (adult or child) can have a “level 3” day and nd
themselves in the middle of fairly dramatic potential or actual conicts. But
when these days become frequent and conicts are atypically severe, these
children are dealing with toxic stress and showing strong unmet-needs
mistaken behavior.
As suggested by my graduate school mentor, Professor Steven Harlow, the three
levels of mistaken behavior reect children’s relative states of mental health.
Children who show mostly level 1 mistaken behavior have stress pretty much
in check. ey are open to new experiences. In encountering them, being only
months old, these young children make mistakes. Some pretty strong emotions
can be behind experimentation mistaken behavior, but children at this level have
enough mental health that before long they recover—and sometimes even self-
teach other ways to handle future similar conicts.
Children who show mostly level 2 mistaken behavior have insecurities about
themselves and situations they encounter. ey are working to manage their stress
levels, but anxieties underlie many choices and decisions. ese children look to
others for leadership and tend to do what they think their leaders want—going
along to get along. eir mistaken behaviors can be totally mild, for example, “Do
you like this picture, Teacher?” asked very often, to a less innocent, joining with
others to shun a child, “We are not going to play with you, Jordan.” If children
remain at level 2 as they grow, their main source of social inuence gradually shifts
from adults to peers.
Children showing a pattern of level 3 mistaken behaviors—serious and
repeated—are dealing with unmanageable stress. e leader works hard to build
secure relationships with these children and to empower them through compre-
hensive guidance (discussed in chapters 4 and 7) to progress toward resiliency.
Children at level 3 are challenged, and adults sometimes nd them the hardest
to like and guide. But these kids also have the most to gain—and greatly need a
secure relationship with an early childhood professional. If leaders do not give up
on these kids, in my view, they are working at the highest level of guidance and are
practicing liberation teaching. Leaders who are open to understanding the moti-
vational sources behind mistaken behavior are mastering a central guidance tool.
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In my rst year of teaching, before I realized that men could teach young children,
I taught sixth grade in a city in Ohio. I had just graduated from a progressive col-
lege, and you can imagine my shock when during orientation the principal began
handing out paddles. I didn’t take one, but I was working with big kids who were
used to years of paddling as the routine form of discipline.
Despite many frustrations, there were real successes that year: Ruby, who went
from a rst-grade reading level to a fourth; Cynthia, who nished the sixth-grade
reading text in a week and blossomed with a library-based reading program, and
Hobart, just up from Appalachia, becoming friends with Dyson, whose family
would not have been welcome there. Understandably, it was during that long year
that I began thinking about teaching for healthy emotional and social develop-
ment, and I have never stopped.
Wrap-Up
In chapter 1 we talked about how conventional discipline too easily slides into
punishment. (To “discipline” a child is to punish.) Punishment should not be used
with young children because it elevates their stress levels. Conventional discipline
actually makes children’s desired emotional, social, and cognitive capacities more
dicult for them to learn.
Young children are better thought of as months old than years old. ey have
limited experience, early brain development, and sometimes stressful life circum-
stances. As beginners at learning vital but complex life skills, young children are
going to make mistakes, sometimes spectacularly. In progressing from “discipline
thinking” to “guidance thinking,” leaders move from the notion of
• challenging children to challenged children,
• being patient to being understanding, and
• misbehavior to conicts and mistaken behavior.
In the big picture, guidance is teaching for healthy emotional and social devel-
opment. (Robust cognitive development will then follow.) In a day-to-day sense,
guidance teaches children to learn from their mistakes rather than punish them
for the mistakes they make. When conicts occur, guidance professionals teach
children to solve their problems rather than punish children for having problems
they cannot yet solve. Guidance begins with building secure relationships with
children outside of conict situations. Leaders who do not give up on a child are
practicing guidance at its highest level: liberation teaching.
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Take-away question: inking of children in your program, how true is it that chil-
dren who seem to be showing positive emotional and social development also
seem to be condent and capable learners?
Reference Notes
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2020. “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).”
www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/acestudy/index.html.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary. 2020. Springeld, MA: Meriam-Webster.
Some materials in this chapter appeared originally in the following resources:
Gartrell, D. J. 2003. e Power of Guidance: Teaching Social-Emotional Skills in Early
Childhood Classrooms. Boston: Cengage Learning. Special arrangement with the
National Association for the Education of Young Children.
———. 2013. Guidance for the Encouraging Classroom. 6th ed. Boston: Cengage Learning.
———. 2017. Guidance for Every Child: Teaching Young Children to Manage Conict. St. Paul,
MN: Redleaf Press.
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= CHAPTER 2 <
The Theory Chapter
G . As a rule, they don’t have much theory. e reason
this guidebook has a theory chapter is that I am betting you will nd it useful. What
am I betting? Hmmm. How about this? If I lose, I will inscribe your copy with ’most
anything you’d like and sign it with my pen name, Groucho Shaboom. If I win, I’ll
do the same but use my real name! (Woo-hoo.)*
e theory in this chapter has appeared in my writings before and is the focus
of my book Education for a Civil Society: How Guidance Teaches Young Children
Democratic Life Skills. With all that practice, it is distilled to almost clarity here.
Outcomes of Guidance: Five Democratic Life Skills
Today everything educational has mission statements, goals, outcomes, objectives,
and so on. Stated directly, the mission statement of this book is for EC professionals
to learn more about and practice guidance so that children can engage more fully
in healthy emotional and social development, and, long term, so more adults can
contribute in civil and creative ways to our still-developing democracy.
Contemporary guidance has outcomes, operational goals we nudge children
to gain. In this book the outcomes are stated in ve democratic life skills (DLS),
which derive from Abraham Maslow’s elegant construct of a hierarchy of needs,
still in the curriculum of most ed-psych classes. Actually, the DLS owe as much to
another of Maslow’s concepts in the same book (1962/2008), the presence of two
intertwined motivational sources for human behavior: the need for psychological
safety and the need for psychological growth. In a coconut shell, we need to feel
relatively secure in order to open ourselves to new experiences, to learning and
*Send one copy to me at 535A Laurel Ave., St. Paul, MN 55102. Include a bunch of stamps to cover return postage.
Be sure to say whether you won or lost the bet and what the inscription might read. Should get it back to you in
two weeks or less.
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Chapter 2
growing. e younger the person is, the stron-
ger the need for security to grow psychologi-
cally. Kids who feel safe and loved move more
easily toward intelligent and ethical thinking.
Children who feel the plaguing stress of inse-
curity have great diculty doing so.
Maslow’s dual-motivations concept seems
to me to have predicted the interplay of the
amygdala system and executive function, prev-
alent in the modern brain research discussed
in chapter 1. For me, this link makes Maslow’s
thinking sixty years ahead of its time, maybe
more.
e democratic life skills make more sense when you see the list. DLS indicate
the ability of the individual to
1. nd acceptance as a member of the group and as a worthy individual;
2. express strong emotions in nonhurting ways;
3. solve problems creatively, by oneself and with others;
4. accept unique human qualities in others; and
5. think intelligently and ethically.
Individuals mostly need to gain DLS 1 and 2, which are safety-based skills, to work
on and make progress toward the growth-based skills: DLS 3,4, and 5. Progress
on gaining the DLS is not sequential—rst skill 1 then skill 2 then skill 3. Instead,
children intuitively work on the skills in two blocks: rst on the safety-based skills
1 and 2 followed by progress on the three growth-based skills 3, 4, and 5. Lead-
ers work directly, intentionally, and usually darn hard to guide young children in
gaining skills 1 and 2. ey gradually shift from a coaching role to a facilitating role
as children work on skills 3 and 4. With kids who show skill 5, leaders sit back in
wonder, even if the children only show the skill occasionally (like many adults?).
Note that DLS theory is not about idealizing the motives and actions of chil-
dren. True, children who act mostly at levels 3, 4, and 5 are a blessing. But the
theory is not even remotely about turning children into “the angels they really are.”
e DLS are about guiding young children to manage rejection and anger and to
progress toward self-acceptance, problem-solving, and perspective-taking. is
Maslow wrote, “If we wish to help
humans to become more fully
human, we must recognize not only
that they try to realize themselves,
but that they are also reluctant
or afraid or unable to do so. Only
by fully appreciating this dialectic
between sickness and health can
we help to tip the balance in favor
of health” (Maslow 2008, 3e).
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progress is a lifelong undertaking, so much more possible if humans can start this
essential emotional-social-cognitive process early in life.
A key objective in guidance practice is for leaders to view children at levels 1 and
2 not as “a pain in the backside” but as a professional challenge. Children who have
diculty meeting safety needs are worthy of secure relationships with teachers no
less than children who have had an easier time with early emotional-social devel-
opment. e professional challenge is worth the eort. e quality of children’s lives
into adulthood depends on it.
The Term
Democratic Life Skills
Before delving into the specics of DLS, the term democratic life skills needs a brief
explanation. I kid that democratic should always have a lowercase d. Certainly the
term does not refer to the Democratic Party; the term is meant in the social sense
way more than the political. Democratic in the social sense means every member
of the group has a say, is a worthy member of the group, and is to be appreciated.
In agreement with John Dewey, the great educational and social philosopher, I
contend that society is improved when more of our social groupings are more
democratic—not without leaders, of course, but who use democratic values and
practices in their leadership.
In line with Dewey’s thinking, though he was misunderstood on this point,
democratic in the social sense does not imply political socialism as a form of gov-
ernment. A bureaucracy, elected or appointed, that makes carte blanche decisions
for the masses is antithetical to the democratic society Dewey envisioned. In the
broad view, an emphasis on DLS means advocating for more social democracy in
more of the multitude of social groupings that form our still-developing democratic
society. In the EC community, perhaps the epitome of this democracy is found in
group meetings, discussed in chapter 4.
Why “life” skills? Because the DLS are vital to folks becoming healthy individ-
uals and contributing citizens. And we work on the skills every day of our lives. e
ve DLS frame the life potential of human beings young and old, including sta,
families, and other professionals that we share our lives with every day.
Quick and Easy Guide to the Five Democratic Life Skills
To make things concise, below is an outline that provides the operational basics of
the DLS, including typical behaviors of children working on each skill, and a quick
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statement of guidance practices that assist children to make progress with each
skill. A thorough discussion of guidance practices that assist children in relation
to the DLS forms the content of chapters 3 and 4.
The Safety-Based Skills
Skill 1: Finding acceptance as a member of the group and as a worthy individual
Children working on this skill might be new to the program, perceive they are in
danger of being stigmatized (excluded from the group), and/or are dealing with
high stress levels (due to neurological, environmental, or a combination of rea-
sons). ey show amygdala-driven survival behaviors in mistaken eorts to protect
themselves. e child may well be suering a degree of childhood posttraumatic
stress syndrome.
Typical Child Behaviors
• nds any break from routines, “little” tasks, and “small” frustrations stressful
• lacks trust and so may resist eorts of others to build relationships
• is easily frustrated
• often feels rejected
• loses emotional control easily
• has diculty regaining composure
• looks on or backs away and does not willingly join in
• shows level 3 strong unmet-needs mistaken behaviors
Despite the challenges, teachers work to create relationships with children outside
of conict situations, sustain relationships during conicts, build trust levels in the
child, and help the child nd a sense of belonging. Teachers use guidance practices
fully and intentionally (practice liberation teaching) to assist the child to learn
coping skills, develop personal resilience, and grow in social awareness.
Skill 2: Expressing strong emotions in nonhurting ways
Children working on this skill have progressed enough in skill 1 that they are
initiating regular interactions with peers and adults. Conicts happen because
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children are just beginning to learn the skills of resolving problems with others.
ey are still using mistaken survival behaviors, including reactive and instru-
mental aggression, in the expression of strong emotions.
Typical Child Behaviors
• still working on abilities to share, take turns, and cooperate; has conicts in
these situations
• shows frequent, sometimes dramatic frustration and reactive aggression
during conicts
• may show instrumental aggression (like bullying) toward younger/smaller
children
• quickly reacts to adult intervention with sometimes intense emotional
expressions—aggression and/or psychological distancing
• able to salvage some self-esteem after guidance interventions (more so than
kids at DLS 1)
Teachers use what they have learned about what
works with these children to steer them around
and help them resolve conicts. ese children
typically experience many problems around
property: “I am using this; you can’t.” “You
put it down, so it’s my turn now.” Teachers use
calming techniques, guidance talks, conict
mediation, and sometimes class meetings when
a child experiences conicts (see chapter 4).
Importantly, leaders avoid embarrassment and
shame as they sustain relationships and teach
alternatives to hurting behaviors. e primary
task is to be rm but friendly in teaching chil-
dren to manage and use nonhurting ways of
expressing their emotions.
The Growth-Based Skills
Skill 3: Solving problems creatively, inde-
pendently, and in cooperation with others
Two notes: (1) Public embarrass-
ment is the most prevalent form
of punishment in early childhood
settings. I once heard a student
teacher call out the same child’s
name twelve times during a
story. (The teacher would have
been happy to sit next to the kid
and help him keep focused if the
student teacher had asked.)
(2) The most common sources of
conict in early childhood settings
are over property, territory, and
privilege. Younger children have
conicts more over property. Older
children have conicts more over
privilege (Gartrell 2013).
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Children work on this skill in two dimensions: as individuals and together with
others.
1. Individually, the child summons the capacity to engage, focus, persevere,
and solve the activity they are working on, in the child’s own way. An exam-
ple is a preschooler who mixes up the pieces of ve “easy” puzzles and puts
them together at the same time.
2. Together with others, there is the give-and-take of cooperation in complet-
ing the task with each child engaging, focusing, persevering, and together
solving the problem. An example is three kindergarten children who build a
three-story “Hogwarts” with blocks, put miniature gures in “windows” on
each level, and agree this is Harry, Hermione, and Ron waiting for Hagrid.
e three argue about who is which gure and which gure should go in
what window, but they work it all out.
Typical Child Behaviors
Individually:
• accesses and engages with open-ended learning activities
• perseveres with problems and tasks
• solves problems, obtains results, and creates products in their own way
• can handle failure, as long as the eort has personal meaning
• nds personal gratication in the problem-solving
• on occasion (especially if interrupted) is likely to show level 1 mistaken
behaviors
In cooperation with others:
• through give-and-take, accesses and engages with open-ended learning
activities
• through give-and-take, stays on problems and tasks
• through give-and-take, solves problems, obtains results, and creates products
in a unique way
• through give-and-take, can handle failure somewhat, as long as the eort has
personal meaning
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• through give-and-take with others, nds personal gratication in the prob-
lem solving
• during the give-and-take shows some level 1 and level 2 mistaken behaviors
Teachers provide a learning environment in which children can actively engage
in problem-solving—independently and in cooperation with others. ey provide
a variety of learning opportunities so that every child can engage in problem-
solving. ey recognize that the process is more important than the adult’s product
and do not compel predetermined crafts. (Not, “Make Frosty like this,” but “Make a
picture of you outside in the snow.”) ey give enough assistance, but only as much
assistance as children need to feel ownership of the activity. Use acknowledgment
and pause, give feedback, and use guiding questions and suggestions to support
children in problem-solving eorts. (See chapters 3 and 4.)
Skill 4: Accepting the unique human qualities of others
Children work on this skill by venturing out of stereotypical peer groups in terms
of initiating friendly interactions with others. Examples are an older child playing
with a younger child. A girl and boy playing together. Children of dierent racial or
linguistic characteristics playing together. Playing with a child dierently abled. A
“veteran” in the group playing with a new child. A “popular” child playing with a
child vulnerable for stigma. A child interacting with an adult who may be new in
the classroom.
Typical Child Behaviors
• joins groupings with children having diering human qualities
• initiates cooperative activity with children having diering human qualities
• initiates interactions with adults in the classroom who may be new
• shows inclusiveness toward children who may be vulnerable for stigma
• matter-of-factly discusses dierences in human qualities, including appear-
ances, behaviors, and viewpoints with an intent to understand, not judge
• on occasion shows level 1 mistaken behaviors
Teachers set the scene by modeling friendly relations and accepting relation-
ships with every child in the class and with all other adults in the room. rough
class meetings, EC professionals teach the importance of understanding human
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dierences and of communicating with others in friendly ways. Teachers set up
learning situations where children can have positive interactions with others dif-
ferent than themselves. Teachers use liberation teaching to ensure that all mem-
bers of the class are accepted and appreciated. Teachers positively acknowledge
inclusive pairings and groupings within the class. Teachers use appropriate private
acknowledgment with individual children who show acceptance of others despite
dierences in viewpoints as well as diering human qualities.
Skill 5: inking intelligently and ethically
Children work on this skill in social situations when they think about the other
child’s needs and perspectives at least as much as their own. Examples: A child
gives up a turn, like riding a trike, to a younger child. A child oers to share mate-
rials or an activity with others. After being hit or yelled at by another, a child does
not retaliate but negotiates a solution. A child expresses how another child, per-
haps upset, might be feeling. A child oers to help another, child or teacher, with
a task. Important here is that the child does not feel pressured to show “prosocial”
behavior; they choose to do so.
Typical Child Behaviors
• gives up turn or materials for child who “needs it more”
• comforts another child who might be sad or upset
• plays games and does activities for the common good and not one’s own
advantage
• oers to help another child or an adult
• expresses how another child might be feeling
• leads others in cooperative problem-solving, includes others in doing so
• makes a choice not to take advantage of situations for one’s own gain
• suggests a solution to a problem that shows thought and takes others’ views
into consideration
• uses perspective-taking (empathy)
• likely to show level 1 mistaken behaviors
Teachers sit back and wonder at children who consistently show skill 5. In a sense,
these EC professionals have already done their jobs, using guidance and liberation
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teaching when children were working on the ear-
lier skills. In the immediate situation, they sup-
portively acknowledge the behaviors they see.
Privately, often later, they convey their gratitude
to the child. Leaders smile a lot around kids
who show DLS 5.
The Five Skills in Real Life
Can young children really show DLS 4 and
5? Don’t these skills require more executive
function than young children can muster?
Anyone who has worked with young children
for a time has seen them, on their own, show
perspective-taking and compassion. In most
young children, the actions may be more intu-
itive than consciously reasoned through. But
accepting unique human qualities and think-
ing intelligently and ethically are skills some
young children can and do show.
DLS 4. In a family child care home, Jason,
aged fty-eight months, was by far the oldest
and biggest child. Jason loved using the com
-
puter, which the younger children were not as
interested in. Fern, the provider, made a deal
with Jason. He could use the computer every
day during work time on one condition: Jason
needed to invite children to join him in using
the computer. He was to share the computer use
with them, showing them how to play games and so
forth. (is was in line with Fern’s thoughtful position that technology should not
be an overly individual activity.)
One morning (when I was observing), thirty-eight-month-old and forty-month-
old boys happened by. Jason shared in a game with each, but soon the kids left.
en, thirty-ve-month-old Jodi sat down next to Jason. Jason began explaining
what he was doing and oered to let her play. Jodi shook her head but watched the
game that Jason continued to explain to her for almost half an hour! When Fern
In addition to Education for a Civil
Society (Gartrell, 2012), each
democratic life skill was featured
in a Guidance Matters column in
Young Children:
Column #21. “Democratic Life Skill
One: Guiding Children to Find a
Place,” September 2012.
Column #22. “Democratic Life Skill
Two: Guiding Children to Express
Strong Emotions in Non-hurting
Ways,” March 2013.
Column #23. “Democratic Life
Skill Three: Solving Problems
Creatively—Independently and
in Cooperation with Others,” July
2013.
Column #24. “Democratic Life
Skill Four: Accepting Unique Human
Qualities in Others,” November
2013.
Column #25. “Democratic Life
Skill Five: Acting Intelligently and
Ethically,” March 2014.
The columns can be downloaded
at www.dangartrell.net/columns.
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announced it was time to go outside, the two stood up together and got their coats
on—Jodi only reaching in height to Jason’s waist!
DLS 5, example one. A pre-K student teacher, Sarah, used competition to motivate
her children one winter day by a race down a hall and back. As she blew her whis-
tle, the threes, fours, and ves took o—all except for Lucy, a forty-nine-month-old
who would clearly rather be coloring. Sarah yelled after her, “Hurry up, Lucy. ey
are leaving you behind!”
Lucy, exasperated: “I’m trying.”
Carter, already on his way back, took in the situation. e sixty-month-old said,
“I will run with you, Lucy.” He made a U-turn and slowly trotted next to Lucy, who
was moving her legs as fast as she could. “You can do it. You can do it!” Carter said.
e two nished the race way after everyone else. Carter and Sarah both gave
Lucy high ves. Lucy smiled. With Carter’s help, she nished the race. Sarah later
thanked Carter, quietly but warmly, for his generous action.
(I later encouraged Sarah to forget the racing and just have the kids run for the
fun of it. She made the change, and especially Lucy seemed more relaxed about
getting the exercise.)
DLS 5, example two. In this kindergarten class, Teacher Darcy asked Ayesha to
play a math card game with Elsa. Elsa was a new student, coming from Soma-
lia with her family. e card game used to be called War, but Darcy changed the
game to Match. Each child puts down a card, the higher card takes the lower, but
the cards go on a common pile. Ayesha had Elsa play the rst card. en Ayesha
quickly found a card with a lower number and put it down! She counted the num-
bers on the cards in English with Elsa. Elsa was pleased to have helped make a big
pile. When they got done with the game, Elsa asked, “Again?”
In my view, Ayesha and Carter were both showing the perspective-taking that
is central to DLS 5—perceiving the situation from the other’s point of view. Carter’s
action with Lucy was a one-time event. Teacher Sarah said Carter continued to
be friendly toward all the others in the group, but Sarah did not notice a repeat of
the boy’s amazing example of thinking intelligently and ethically on this day with
Lucy.
Kindergarten teacher Darcy had long-term hopes for Ayesha with Elsa. After
Ayesha’s self-initiated altruism during the card game, she continued with more
friendly mentoring of her new friend, Elsa. e two did many things together that
kindergarten year. And Elsa, who was big for her age and fearless, repaid Ayesha for
her friendship. Was Ayesha “cheating in reverse”? Maybe once in a while, putting
other people ahead of traditional rules is intelligent and ethical. What do you think?
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Wrap-Up
We work with children on gaining the ve DLS in two blocks. e rst two DLS are
needs-based, meaning children working on skills 1 and 2 have unmet needs for
security and belonging that make it dicult for them to
1. nd acceptance as a member of the group and as a worthy individual, and
2. express strong emotions in nonhurting ways.
Children struggling to meet DLS 1 and 2 have unmanageable stress levels that
make them sense threats easily and resort to level 3 mistaken survival behaviors.
Teachers need to use guidance intentionally and comprehensively, starting with
building secure relationships with these children. As trust is established, children
can make progress in dealing with their plaguing stress and seeing the world as
less threatening. As the children grow to see themselves as accepted and worthy,
they have fewer conicts and are better able to manage strong feelings. ey are
ready to progress to meeting DLS 3, 4, and 5 by
1. solving problems creatively by oneself and with others;
2. accepting unique human qualities in others; and
3. thinking intelligently and ethically.
e central guidance problem is to provide encouraging leadership with children
who are challenged in terms of meeting DLS 1 and 2. As mentioned, I call the
ability to guide these children toward resiliency “liberation teaching.” Liberating
teachers cannot accomplish this big task on their own. ey need to use guidance
leadership with fellow sta and parents so adults can work together to accomplish
this life-changing objective (see chapters 6 and 7).
Take-away question:
How does your new knowledge about DLS change the way
you view the members of your EC learning community and your relations with
them? Bonus question: Was this theory helpful?
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Reference Notes
The ve DLS have appeared in my writings for many years. The most comprehensive
resource is Gartrell (2012):
Gartrell, D. J. 2012. Education for a Civil Society: How Guidance Teaches Young Children
Democratic Life Skills. Washington, DC: NAEYC.
———. 2013. A Guidance Approach for the Encouraging Classroom. Boston: Cengage
Learning.
Maslow, Abraham. 2008. Toward a Psychology of Being. New York: Wiley.
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